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wat ik enorm genieten van die kleuren, die geuren, de zon er doorheen, verrukkelijk.......... Ik vind het echt een pracht van een jaargetijde.

en het lijnen..........hahaha die doet aan een winterslaap........ik wilde dat mij kilo's er net zo hard af gingen als de blaadjes aan de bomen, maar niets is minder waar. En toch, ik blijf erop vertrouwen dat het eens goed komt......als staat er straks op mijn graf....eindelijk de kilo's eraf

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GOOOOOODDDD MORNING. RISE AND SHINE FOR ME ITapos;S 7 AM Fuck man..I donapos;t understand. Why am I always that frigginapos; bad guy? Honestly, whenever I go casino with my friends or whatever..thatapos;s it Look, I was trying this thing where I would think twice about being mad. I truly was. I tried the whole fucking thing where I say fucking bullshit like, "Ohh, alright go have fun then babe", "Alrighty then Donapos;t stay out late". I never had the chance to do that even if I wanted to He never even gave me that chance when I was seriously thinking about changing. How sad.. Heapos;s the one who thought about it and DIDNapos;T call me before hand because he ASSumed that I was going to freak out. He never even gave me the chance to be that fucking person. And then he fucking insults me by saying how Iapos;m making this situation like heapos;s going to end the world for me or some fucking shit along the lines of that?�Excuse me? The day I donapos;t give a shit about what the fuck he does..then heapos;ll wonde why.

So even through all the fucking arguing and how I look like the bad guy for freaking out and nobody ever notices that itapos;s his fault because Iapos;M the one freaking out --- no one ever tells him it was his fault to begin with....................no one makes him feel as though heapos;s wrong, even if itapos;s just a little issue like this. So therefore, no apology... Pshh, as if that ever meant anything?

Oh..and I wanted to answer his question really fucking bad when he asked me why I didnapos;t believe him and shit like that. But I know that Iapos;ll just cause a bigger fight... So Iapos;ll tell you? So here it goes... When I was totally blinded by you anything you did or say to me, I was fine with because I never even thought twice about it. II thought you were a great guy. Why would a great guy lie? So...as your true colors started to show, it was already too late? I wanted to back out and just save myself the trouble but I still believed my apos;great guyapos; is there and he does exists...somewhere inside of you. You lied. Broke my heart several times and now I donapos;t believe you. Would you still be with me if you were me? And if you chose to still be with me, would you believe anything I do or say? I mean you canapos;t say I didnapos;t try to. Itapos;s really hard..

But Iapos;ve always hated this part. The part where I know I should be up and out as quick as I can so I donapos;t have to stay in this ...relationship? But I donapos;t budge...because as much as it hurts, I donapos;t want to leave. It sucks that youapos;re with the one you love and want to be with. But at the same time, you canapos;t trust him or believe anything he says. So where do you go from there? There is no right or wrong to that question. It all depends on how each individual feels and how they deal with their situation. My answer is to stay put. Stupid as it is...thatapos;s what Iapos;ve been doing.

Time to make myself laugh because I know that if I were to be reading what I just wrote, a little part of me will start to cry.

Usually itapos;s my saliva that make my pillow wet and gross. But today, itapos;s my tears -_-apos;apos;

Near the end of our conversation, that means before I get so pissed that I hang up, he asked me why I can;t be like those other girls who say things like
- ohhh alright drive safe and have fun
- haha donapos;t be out too late and good luck give me a call after your done k babes?

the reason why I canapos;t be like that is because Iapos;m not like that to begin with. I would be having a fake conversation with you if I were to say those words because it does bother me so...why would I lie about it? Like I said, I was willing to be repressed...but he never gave me the chance to anyway.

So where does all this lead me to now you may ask. No where. Iapos;m still the bad guy to the eyes of his family and friends. But I donapos;t give a fuck about them. And if it did all start with his lovely cousin, Anna, Iapos;m not too worried. She has a lot of her own shit sheapos;s fucking suffering from thatapos;s why she feels the need to bash other people down with her. I believe in karma. Sheapos;ll fucking be an ugly lonely bitch until she realizes the shit she puts other people through -- completely harsh and unnecessary. So she had parents that only know how to go to the casino...like literally, they donapos;t know how to do anything else and she had a few luxury things here and there. Is that what makes you become a bitchass snob? Well what does she have now? Sheapos;s still the same LOL So�I guess I answered my own question. Anyway, Iapos;m just upset and talking a lot of shit. Itapos;s 8 AM and I should be getting some sleep..

And Dat if youapos;re reading this. I feel better already LOL



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Yes, and so I did, too[which I realized later that so did Mayguss]
And then I was saying, not to cut bangs, but I really want to try cos I didnapos;t remember how I look with it.

So anyway, the more I see it the more horrendous I think it is.
I so badly, wanna cry. Seriously, what in the world was I thinking?
Oh whatever, Iapos;ll just grow out of it then cut it again.
I trim an inch at the back too, with not so much layering, it feels thick once again.
Oh, and my hair is oh so curly now.
Hah, so I did regain it as I thought it would. Hmph, how troublesome.
But Iapos;ll live with it.
Another sad note is, I will not wear my hair down at all.
I swear, I look like a poodle. *sighs*

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Day 5. I screwed up and smoked. Still no soda or caffeine and mostly healthy food though. Iapos;m out of stuff to smoke so that shouldnapos;t be a problem anymore. I wonapos;t be getting anymore. I feel like a dark, small, envious creature. I feel worthless. I really donapos;t know what Iapos;m good for. I feel like Iapos;m stuck in a world thatapos;s filled with only everything thatapos;s ugly in life. I suppose Iapos;m just weak. I donapos;t have the confidence that I need. No one gives a shit and neither do I. I wish�I wasnapos;t so angry sometimes. I wish�I could just chill out and let myself be happy.�

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So... I spent the day with my Mom. It was lovely, and we were rather productive. We went to check on the flowers since we hadnapos;t seen them yet, and we ordered corsages and such. We will pick that all up tomorrow/today. They should turn out well. Of course, at some point tomorrow, I need to make the bouquets... One for Mom and one for me. Not sure when that will happen, but it will need to get done, and no one else has offered to take on that duty in my place. Everyone seems to think I am handy. We shall see.

We stopped for coffee and a morning bite on our way out to run errands. I told Mom that several people have asked me about singing at the wedding. I didnapos;t offer, I wasnapos;t asked to, and singing in front of people scares the shit out of me. Itapos;s something Iapos;ve never been able to explain to people. People assume that if you have a decent voice that you always want to or are willing to sing for people. So Mom says, "Donapos;t worry, Ker. Itapos;s not a big deal. I know you arenapos;t comfortable singing in front of people." I mentioned that it wasnapos;t anything personal. If I were comfortable singing in front of people, she would be the first person I would do that for. So... Mom says, "I need to tell you something. Please donapos;t take it the wrong way, but... I was hoping that you would offer. I thought about asking you, but I really wanted you to offer." This, of course, made me feel like shit. I told her that if she really felt it was important, I would sing, but that I has no ideas as to what I should sing. She laughed a little and told me it was all fine, and that she wasnapos;t hurt. She was aware that I probably would be nervous. Some daughter I am

After that, we went to Derry to visit the cemetery where GG (my Great Grandmother), and Nana (my Grandmother) are buried. Iapos;m not sure why, but I always love to go there. Itapos;s a comfort for me, and it always has been. Thatapos;s all another story for another day. After the cemetery, we went to get my passport photo taken, and to get a copy of my birth certificate. From there, we went to WalMart and A.C. Moore to get stuff for the wedding. I got ribbon and all of that stuff I need for everything.

We got gobs of stuff done today, came home, and got more done. I made the fancy bow for the card basket, made a garland, and we made all of the favor boxes.

More drama came later when the California cousins got here. There was an issue with the Inn, and them not letting children staying there, which we didnapos;t know about, but... Itapos;s all fine. Everyone has a bed to sleep in, either there or at the McGettiganapos;s.

Now, I need some sleep. I have to show people around Peterborough, Hancock, and Temple tomorrow, and we have the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night. Wow Time is flying I need a longer vacation.

Night all.
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i donapos;t know if anyone else has this problem- but people are constantly bringing in food at my work ( we also have catered meetings all the time so theres always platters of evil in the kitchen taunting my will power). Every single day theres a baked something or other in my face, and i get so bored that itapos;s hard to resist. Iapos;m really good about doing green tea all day, but the hot water is right next to where all these things are kept so i donapos;t even think sometimes and just pick it up and start eating which makes me really angry at myself, because i donapos;t actually enjoy it, iapos;m just thinking about how every bite�equals 20 minutes on the treadmill to even begin negating the damage that i do.
today I got caught just standing there and glaring at this pile of muffins (lolzawkward)

anyways. If anyone has any way to deal with this, iapos;d appreciate it.
�

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The title is slightly ironic, since not only am I not in any kind of prison (especially not a California state prison, considering I have never been to the state of California), but I am actually on vacation this week.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I rode my scooter to Port Royal and walked around. I eventually went to the library at Port Royal and decided to see what books they had. I had looked around, leafed through a book on four-stroke motorcycle engines, and was about to stop browsing and head back to the scooter, when I saw a small book with the title "Soul on Ice - Eldridge Cleaver" on the front cover.

I decided I would read even a small part of this legendary book and so I picked it up and began reading. After a paragraph or two of the introduction (by someone else), I flipped forward to the first chapter to read what Cleaver had to say. It was titled "On Beginnings", and what a beginning it was. It described his imprisonment for marijuana possession, it described the events leading to his decision to become a rapist, and it described his decision, following his rape conviction, to start writing.

The chapter ended with a single sentence in its own paragraph. It was one of the most profound statements I had read in a long time, and I shall end this entry with it:

"The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less." - from Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver

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Dag Lieve mensen

Weer even een berichtje, er zit zo veel in mijn hoofd dat ik het eventjes van mij af moet zetten.

Ik ga super hart knokken om alle dingen die ik nog moet leren om het huis uit te kunnen, te gaan doen, zodat ik straks trots kan zijn, wat ik berijkt heb, het is veel, het is heftig, maar ik doe het ergens voor.

OP MIJ ZELF WONEN

OP het moment ben ik best heel erg down, en zit ik niet lekker in mijn vel, en heb ik zo iets van ik moet nog super veel doen, maar goed stapje voor stapje, dat is beter dan alles in een keer, wand ik zou er liever gisteren hebben gezeten dat over een half jaar.

Maar goed gedult is een schone zaak. Tot zo ver een berichtje van mij, ik vind het super fijn om zo van mij af te kunnen schrijfen.

Knuffel Elly

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